We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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