my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
