you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
