i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
