I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
