About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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