She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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