there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize