found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
