Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
