I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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