When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
