thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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