saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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