Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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