So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
