Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize