I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
