Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
