I wish I could punch you in the face.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
