ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
