So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
