she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
