im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
