I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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