i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
