So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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