Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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