working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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