i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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