Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
