Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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