I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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