i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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