i think my tv is drunk
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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