He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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