take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
