Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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