There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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