I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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