The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize