Who wears a wallet chain?!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
