DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
