Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You are the jesus of drinking
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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