I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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