Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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