mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
