Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
