I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My hand turned me down
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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