zippers are such a cool invention
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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