I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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