she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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