i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
