ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
