I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
17 year olds will be the death of me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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