I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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