I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
