He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So many bounce houses so little time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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