My underwear smells like fireworks.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize