I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
