Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
