you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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