I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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