Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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