how can u be prego again
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
