I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
