I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
