i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
