all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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