i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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