Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
