sorry about calling you the devil all night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
