I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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